An Apology Letter by Diana Alvarez

An Apology Letter by Diana Alvarez

An Apology Letter

A gentle touch at first
shallow breathing
& whispers to the ear
do you like this
I bet you do
if you were to have seen
the statue like nature of my
pre-teen body
my wide, bright, brown eyes
suddenly sink
maybe you would have stopped
maybe you would have
understood
that my inability to move
my inability to speak meant
no
I do not like it
But instead
you reached further down
and when you grabbed me,
you grabbed my innocence too
maybe if you had seen my eyes no longer
with light
maybe had I been able to show
more unwillingness,
maybe you would have stopped
maybe you would have
understood.
I want to say I’m sorry,
I Am sorry for going into shock
for every inch of my pre-teen body
being paralyzed with overwhelming guilt and fear.
I Am sorry for hating you all these years.
After all, I didn’t actually say no.
It was I, who couldn’t speak at all.
Maybe you would have stopped,
once I was finally able to gain enough strength to put
my hand down
just as you were about to enter…
then I lost it all over
when I felt the tear,
but you didn’t
you didn’t stop.

& Now
I can’t remember,
I can’t recall
whether it was just your hand
that left me limping the next day
that left my womanly parts scarred
& disfigured.
I want to say to say I’m sorry,
I Am sorry for going into shock
for every inch of my child body
being paralyzed with overwhelming guilt and fear,
for being mute.
I want to say I’m sorry,
I Am sorry for blaming you all these years
For my distorted self-image
For my eating disorders
For my anxiety
For its dear friend, Depression
For my hallucinations
For all the cuts & blood spilled on my skin
because the only relief I felt came when I thought I
deserved all the cuts & blood spilled on my skin.
For all the pills I took, over & over,
in hopes to leave those memories
For the years of feeling guilty
For all of my self-hatred
For the loss of not only my youth,
but also my innocence.
But now
that I think of it,
I will always just live in hopes
of You saying that.
To Me.

Because
what I really want to say
is
Fuck You.